I love crockery and sometimes pick up odd pieces that fascinate me. When the kids were small, I had picked up two cereal bowls with funny looking faces and protruding noses. These became a great hit with the girls and each laid claim to one. The younger one’s bowl is long gone, a sacrifice to my slapdash dishwashing skills (I was probably thinking of a poem at that moment), but even over a decade later, the elder one’s survives and she still eats her cornflakes from it.
Z the elder daughter, does not mind sharing her bowl but B the younger one is extremely possessive about all her things and neither uses anything other than those things which she claims as hers, nor does she like anyone touching her things. That’s not to say she is not generous, she is extremely so and has always been lavish in spending on gifts for others, even with her limited resources, by which I of course mean her meagre pocket money. She just doesn’t like her things to be used by anyone other than herself. How different from our childhood.
When we were growing up life was unpredictable. We always had a house full of guests. None of us could claim a room, or even a bed as our own, much less personal crockery. It may look like a bad thing to those who cannot imagine life without a room of their own but I can only think of it as a good thing, for not only did we become extremely adaptable and could sleep anywhere, even on a mattress on the terrace, or on the sofa and I still can, but it also afforded us with new experiences. There was a camaraderie in sleeping in a row under the stars, sharing jokes and stories, laughing and giggling, watching the constellations, or sometimes a meteor whizz across the sky and later the planes.
We lived close to the airport and the route the planes always took while taking off and sometimes coming in to land during bad weather, was directly over our building. As we lay on the terrace, we could see plane after plane fly off thunderingly, into the inky darkness, from right above us. The international flights, mainly 747 Jumbo jets, usually flew in the night then. We knew all the tails and I think my knowledge of countries truly grew because of that. There weren’t as many airlines then, as are there now. We siblings grew closer because of all that sleeping on the terrace, led us to share. We were detached from things, but we grew in our attachment to each other and have many shared experiences because of that.
We grew up thinking that it was a normal everyday thing to go out of your way to accommodate relatives, friends and even strangers, as our father, a staunch believer in the strong Eastern traditions of hospitality, drilled into us, that a guest was a gift of God and his needs were always to be given priority over our own. How different from the way things are now.
Today, as I was washing up, a thought struck me about possessiveness. When we claim something as ours, then we don’t only keep people out we also limit ourselves only to that.
Using the same thing day after day shuts off the chance of new encounters and new experiences. Yet once one achieves a certain level of comfort with a certain thing, then one is loath to give it up. It goes beyond comfort though, there is a strange feeling of dependability on that which is not only familiar but is also one’s own. That subconsciously helps one develop a feeling of security. For me there are two things I cannot do without, one is my tea mug, which though ugly, and as a rule I hate ugly things, is still the right shape and size, which according to me a mug should be. To me my morning cup of tea is very important and so is its amount. The other is my latex pillow, which is just the right thickness and softness that enables me to have a good night’s sleep and helps me fall asleep faster than anything ever has. The two things afford me a level of well-being I am comfortable with. If either is taken away, I am uneasy. It is neither more nor less than that. Yet normally possessiveness concerning things, goes much deeper than this.
Humans have a deep need to own things. To lay a claim, to things big and small, around them. It is for pride of ownership, which in turn many need, to develop an image of themselves, but it goes far beyond that. One needs in this ephemeral world, not just things for the sake of ownership, but also for their dependability. One needs to know that some things will stay unchanged. This gives a sense of security because life is full of unknown factors. That is also why we establish routines perhaps. We need to have some sort of control. Create around us surroundings, which we can control and predict. We may seek adventures, but we always like to have the familiar waiting for our return. However far we stray, we need to know that somewhere in the world, some things are just as we left them and we can find them whenever we choose. Sometimes the things are small, sometimes big. Whatever it is, there is always some factor of emotional security as well as mental well being attached to it. Yet ironically, the only real thing one can depend upon, is change. Change is inevitable. The agents of time, both nature and man, work unceasingly to assure that everything and everyone grows, develops, changes, ages, passes on and even breaks, tears or falls into ruin, to be replaced by other things. Time, marked by watches and calenders actually marches on leaving the marks of its passage in numerous ways that always assure change.
Weaving Tapestries, Painting Pictures, Dreaming Dreams 
Firstly, Parvin you really need a dishwasher!
We decided to ship our ‘things’ over to France to help make it seem like home here. Funny thing though we haven’t even unpacked any of it but it still feels like home because home isn’t madeup of ‘things’ and the things I sent over just don’t quite fit here. The little things I have bought here I am much more fond of and it is amazing how much ‘stuff’ you can actually live without. I’m enjoying the minimalist life with no attachments.. though I confess to buying old crockery at vide greniers, my weakness too.
No Maggie I do NOT need a dishwasher, because I like to wash dishes, it is a mechanical task which is actually soothing. Feeling the soapy suds in your fingers, rubbing the sponge in circular motions on the dishes, it is all really soothing. You should try it sometime. It leaves my mind free to think as I am staring out of the window and that is how I come up with these blog posts. 🙂
We too shipped a lot of our stuff to India, but because of inexperience in packing, most of my crockery broke and I have bought three dinner sets since then. In fact I enjoy the bone china that we get there, though most of the cup sizes are way to small. The crystal collection survived thankfully. I don’t have much here, as I had moved everything there and whatever I bought over the years I took with me as we never really planned to come back and settle here. Minimalist is good when you want your mind to be free to think of other things. 🙂
An interesting line of thought here. But it seems to me that Parvin doesn’t need a dishwasher . . because she is a dishwasher! –
when you have washed dishes for some years it becomes a kind of meditation, and I guess quite a lot of things have been broken in her kitchen in mid-poem . .
Actually there is a Buddhist saying that “Once you own more than five things – the things own you!”
Many years ago I remember reading about a young nun that became a missionary, and she was sent to Africa and as she progressed in life she kept a journal, and as time passed she travelled from place to place, and she religiously kept up her writings, she recorded the customs and the people and the daily happenings, and as she travelled from China, India, Russia, her library of journals grew, and followed her around the world. Soon her shelf of books took up a whole bookcase – they became an encyclopedia of her life and travels, she took them everywhere.
Each time she moved taking care of her library became her first priority, packing and unpacking her precious journals, by the time she was in her seventies, they practically filled the little cottage next to the church where she was posted. And in here mind she was beginning to form the idea of summarizing and editing her life’s treasures and publish a book.
Then tragedy struck and the cottage was burned down and all the contents were lost. Her friends were devastated, and hurried to console her. . but in a few days she was over the shock of the loss and proclaimed that the fire was in fact was a gift from God.
Looking after her books had become such a burden that she no longer had time to live her life, and she rejoiced because she was at last free to travel with just a shoulder bag- which contained all that she truly needed.
I am not a dishwasher Albert excuse me! I am a person, dishwashers do not write poetry or blogs for that matter.
I enjoyed your story about the nun. The more you have the more you think about what you have instead of being carefree. One of my facebook status messages says it simply
When we do not have something we wish for, we live in hope of getting it, when we get it we live in fear of losing it.””
i also agree with the proverb, yes things own us we do not own them, they own us they possess us.
“We”, as humans, never truly “own” anything, we only have use of it for a period of time. It might be for a day, a week, or a lifetime, but eventually-if it is not destroyed, someone else obtains possession of “it.” “What” do we all truly need in life??
Health, love, compassion, curiosity, enthusiastic admiration of the human condition and most of all “patience” for others and ourselves. Your blog is continually amazing. 🙂
len
Yes Len i agree, we do not own anything at best we are caretakers, everything we have with us now will pass on to others if we prove good caretakers or will end up on the rubbish heap if we are bad or worse simply disappear if we squander it.
it is not just wealth we can squander but time, health, opportunities. material good pass on to the hands of strangers when spent unwisely other things more abstract, simply dissolve and disappear.
Glad you like the blog. keep reading and commenting for comments from all who read my blog are my food for thought and the smallest thing can sometimes trigger an interesting stream of thought.
More on what we need at a later time 🙂
You know what caught my attention in your entire blog, the line about sleeping on the terrace with your siblings and looking at the stars….
It reminded me of my childhood we use to do that my brothers and sister.. We are 5 kids you see. we all usually use to sleep on the terrace in summers… The most beautiful memories are from those time laughing giggling trying to have the time of our life.
I don’t remember a lot of other things, but i do remember clear as if it was just yesterday sharing jokes and secrets with my family. Listening to my father telling us stories usually made up by him. those stories were our entertainment we didn’t have access to TV or radio when we were kids. My parents always believed watching TV is a waste of ones brain power.
Like you mentioned in the blog claiming a room or a bed was never in our minds.. all that we really cared about was what mischief will out do the ones done by others…. FUN TIMES
I know Taz were wonderful days we had little and wanted less. There was no TV telling us what we could not live without. i agree with your parents watching TV can be a waste of brain power. yuck
I am so glad the bog triggered such wonderful memories 🙂
keep reading and sharing 🙂
pffffft I have the lovely experience of dishwashing about 4 times a day luvvy!! ;).. but I stare into a kitchen cabinet 😦
what you need is a plant on the kitchen cabinet or somewhere that you can stare at or a picture or something pretty or then dear Col could break you a window over the sink or alternatively move the sink to a window. You know Col can do anything. Then he can lay a rose garden for you outside it. I know someone who had a rose garden and beautiful fragrant roses just outside their kitchen window.
Alternately Maggs you can train the family to eat in banana leaves, an old Indian tradition and practised in some places even now, totally biodegradable no need to pollute the water with dishwashing liquids etc etc